my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
