$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
