i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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