i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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