My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
