I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
