I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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