No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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