Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
