Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
