Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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