I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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