whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
