you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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