Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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