Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
