Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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