So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
