If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
