THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
