ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Randomize
