i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
