I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I can text with my tongue
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Randomize
