I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize