It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
