I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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