So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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