i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Randomize
