ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
