And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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