Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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