im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
