You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
