I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
