I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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