I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
