how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
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Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
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I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He? As in you personified your dick?
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it