At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
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