she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
