the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
