do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
