my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
