I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
