you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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