i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Randomize
