if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
