If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
