I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Randomize
