I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Randomize
