my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
