I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
