I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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