Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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