we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
