I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
