Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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