unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
