Where did you get a picture of my penis
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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