I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
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